Prospective Perspectives

Very tired and pissed. And lonely and helpless. And sad and frustrated. And alone and depressed.

That's about how you can describe how i'm feeling now and going to be feeling the next few days.
I don't want to start a fuss over my own probelms but i think i owe some people out there to at least know about it.

My mum, is pissed over how my maths can drop from an A1 to B4 and 'cos i haven't been doing tuiition work lately 'cos of many various reasons so she thinks that either 1) I can't do anything on my own 2) I can't schedule my time well. And after telling me to tell her my probelms i seriously have none and even i have i can't remember at the point straightaway. The most issues i have is about this shit about comparing me and other people. If other people sound so perfect, so good, so hardworking, why not adopt them and have them replace me as your son instead?

I can't seriously stand such shit.

Its an insult to me.

Then, she starts going on about do i have probelms with the teachers, in work or anywhere else. I think the main probelm lies at home. True i have more freedom than most of my other friends but now she's thinking that this has to stop because of my results.
What pisses me even more is this, my only high marks are chinese this tem which had suddenly jumped to b3 but you what she says? "Its good that your chinese marks are now better, but your other subjects what happen? Or is it the test paper too easy is it?"

Now she thinks i can't do anything.

Then she goes on about household chores and what in NS have to do all these things and stuff and if you don't learn now you'll die next time. I know all of this is spoken out of concern but still is it too much to ask that you mince your words a little?

It's not i cannot learn.

Unless you truly trust that i'm such a retard.

There's no end to that.

I'm alone. I'm in pain. I'm lost.

The worst thing is i never ever tell anyone about it.

Just realised how emotionally fragile i have become lately. I get angry over the slightest things. I jump to conclusions. I make bad decisions. MY existence has almost been completely ignored and it wouldn't matter if one day there wasn't "Melvin" in the world anymore because the world would still go on. People still go to school. People still have to take tests.

Frankly i think death now would be a blessing.

I going to be shattered in pieces. I going to drop over the edge.

And i'm not going to care about the word count anymore.

Its a pain to laugh now not to mention smile. When i'm down nobody knows. I see the smiles being spread about everywhere but it dosen't come to me. I guess it has become unnatural.


The lost soul wonders,
searches, looking for the answer.
But there is none,
there is only emptiness,
so disheartening it has become,
and so cold i have become.

Ignorance is not bliss, its an escape.
Fables are not stories, they are lies.
Pride comes before a fall, what comes before it?
Pain.

Never a friend, nor worthy to be called one,
i am selfish and wrong.
I don't care nor care to praise anyone.
Even if i do they are lies.
Just like me.